marriage counselling

so then nigel said 'well, how do you feel about yourself?'

the hubs had just been telling him how gorgeous and attractive and desirable he found me - and how he felt sad and frustrated that i don't respond to this.

i sat there wondering if i could get through the answer without the tears spilling out of my eyes and down my face. i pinched my leg. i took a deep breath. a drink of water. i re-focussed on the corner of the ceiling.

nigel shifted in his chair, the hubs started to say something before nigel intervened and asked him to let me speak.

too bad. the first tear was over the edge and sliding down my cheek. i reached for one of nigel's thoughtfully placed tissues. shit, these were the kind of tears that don't stop any time soon.

i knew i had to say something, but to be honest my mind was a total blank. what on earth did it mean ? how do i feel about myself ... none of the immediate answers seemed any good ( e.g tired, exhausted, extremely pregnant, sad).

I ran throught more complicated answers ( mourning our happiness, devastated that my plan for us hasn't worked, feeling desperate for solitude) but these just confused me even more.

'but you're gorgeous' the hubs blurted. 'everyone says so!'

the tears were still falling. i had to say something.

"fragmented".