my new dress is a very old dress


we went to my favourite shop in town today to buy a new dress for next weekend's wedding. oh, joy. the forerunner in my handful of try-ons soon became clear. made from a double layer of light silk, it's a shade between royal and midnight blue with a small square cream motif embroidered all over. the style is very 40s, knee length with flared sleeves and a plunging neckline.

something about the material, the print and the hemline got me thinking. i couldn't put my finger on what it reminded me of until i had a thought of what i'd be dressing Baby in on the big day. i had a flashback to a much littler me, probably around the age of 5 years. i'm singing in the school's carol service and wearing an emerald green silk dress that falls to the knee and is embroidered with silver stars.

the dress had been brought back from pakistan by my father who had been visiting his family. in my 5 year old life it was an exotic and beautiful thing, so unusual, so special, so different.

i now know that the trip my father had made was to attend the funeral of one of his cousins. they had been the closest of friends as children, the man had died suddenly leaving a widow and two young children. and i wonder at what point did my father think to choose a certain dress for his daughter back in england.

i remember the creeping feeling that i was to become well acquainted. that despite the fact that i knew the dress was a thing of beauty, it was to act as a marker of difference between my classmates and i as it wasn't normal. it hadn't been bought from a local shop, no-one else had one and it looked slightly 'off' compared to the other girls' machine made party dresses.

my heart breaks for the little me in my green dress singing carols that neither of my parents had ever heard before. the sense of awkward self awareness that i was not quite like everyone else in the class has vanished now that i have become a mum. somehow it's not important to me anymore. my only concern is to make the right choice in educating my daughter so as to make it clear to her that dresses, people and cultures come in many different colours, all of equal beauty.